bunch of food and goes to his room to read or nap or whatever to keep away from the family. And if he is out with the family, he is bossing everyone around, bullying his little sister, etc. It's a real treat, let me tell ya.

Besides the "grounding thing" being difficult (because there isn't much to ground from)...since out ipod ordeal last Saturday he has NOT spoken a word to anyone since then. He is unbelievably stubborn.

QUESTION:

I know there are lots of changes going on and my daughter is going to react, but I need some support on another issue. She asked this morning if her friend could come over after school (chores had been done) so I said yes, but asked her to please call me and let me know if her friend was coming or not this afternoon (it was kinda up in the air awaiting approval from the other child's parents).

My daughter called, as I requested, but left a voice mail on my work phone saying this: "Hi Mom, Mallory is coming over, I hate you, Goodbye." This for some reason annoys me to no end. I have no idea why, but I'm both infuriated and want to cry. Do I address it or not ... and if so, how?

ANSWER:

When your daughter says, “I hate you,” what she means is “I hate some of the things you say and do.”

Your daughter obviously knows that she can get a reaction out of you when she pushes your “I hate you” button (which is, in reality, a “rejection” button). Ignoring misbehavior is an over-rated parenting strategy, but in this case, I would totally ignore it. Here’s why:

As long as she knows you will react strongly to her sarcasm, she will continue to use it as a way to get your energy and intensity. If you ignore her sarcasm (i.e., “act as if” it doesn’t bother you), then she will no longer get any kind of “payoff” and will eventually stop saying these things.

If she were saying “F___ you”, or calling you a “B____”, or any other more inappropriate comments, that would need a consequence.

QUESTION:

My situation is this...

We live in rural small town USA. My son doesn't have neighborhood friends that he hangs out with. He comes home everyday from school, eats a bunch of food and goes to his room to read or nap or whatever to keep away from the family. And if he is out with the family, he is bossing everyone around, bullying his little sister, etc. It's a real treat, let me tell ya.

Besides the "grounding thing" being difficult (because there isn't much to ground from)...since out ipod ordeal last Saturday he has NOT spoken a word to anyone since then. He is unbelievably stubborn.

led, as I requested, but left a voice mail on my work phone saying this: "Hi Mom, Mallory is coming over, I hate you, Goodbye." This for some reason annoys me to no end. I have no idea why, but I'm both infuriated and want to cry. Do I address it or not ... and if so, how?

ANSWER:

When your daughter says, “I hate you,” what she means is “I hate some of the things you say and do.”

Your daughter obviously knows that she can get a reaction out of you when she pushes your “I hate you” button (which is, in reality, a “rejection” button). Ignoring misbehavior is an over-rated parenting strategy, but in this case, I would totally ignore it. Here’s why:

As long as she knows you will react strongly to her sarcasm, she will continue to use it as a way to get your energy and intensity. If you ignore her sarcasm (i.e., “act as if” it doesn’t bother you), then she will no longer get any kind of “payoff” and will eventually stop saying these things.

If she were saying “F___ you”, or calling you a “B____”, or any other more inappropriate comments, that would need a consequence.

QUESTION:

My situation is this...

We live in rural small town USA. My son doesn't have neighborhood friends that he hangs out with. He comes home everyday from school, eats a bunch of food and goes to his room to read or nap or whatever to keep away from the family. And if he is out with the family, he is bossing everyone around, bullying his little sister, etc. It's a real treat, let me tell ya.

Besides the "grounding thing" being difficult (because there isn't much to ground from)...since out ipod ordeal last Saturday he has NOT spoken a word to anyone since then. He is unbelievably stubborn.

t she can get a reaction out of you when she pushes your “I hate you” button (which is, in reality, a “rejection” button). Ignoring misbehavior is an over-rated parenting strategy, but in this case, I would totally ignore it. Here’s why:

As long as she knows you will react strongly to her sarcasm, she will continue to use it as a way to get your energy and intensity. If you ignore her sarcasm (i.e., “act as if” it doesn’t bother you), then she will no longer get any kind of “payoff” and will eventually stop saying these things.

If she were saying “F___ you”, or calling you a “B____”, or any other more inappropriate comments, that would need a consequence.

QUESTION:

My situation is this...

We live in rural small town USA. My son doesn't have neighborhood friends that he hangs out with. He comes home everyday from school, eats a bunch of food and goes to his room to read or nap or whatever to keep away from the family. And if he is out with the family, he is bossing everyone around, bullying his little sister, etc. It's a real treat, let me tell ya.

Besides the "grounding thing" being difficult (because there isn't much to ground from)...since out ipod ordeal last Saturday he has NOT spoken a word to anyone since then. He is unbelievably stubborn.

ther you), then she will no longer get any kind of “payoff” and will eventually stop saying these things.

If she were saying “F___ you”, or calling you a “B____”, or any other more inappropriate comments, that would need a consequence.

QUESTION:

My situation is this...

We live in rural small town USA. My son doesn't have neighborhood friends that he hangs out with. He comes home everyday from school, eats a bunch of food and goes to his room to read or nap or whatever to keep away from the family. And if he is out with the family, he is bossing everyone around, bullying his little sister, etc. It's a real treat, let me tell ya.

Besides the "grounding thing" being difficult (because there isn't much to ground from)...since out ipod ordeal last Saturday he has NOT spoken a word to anyone since then. He is unbelievably stubborn.

bunch of food and goes to his room to read or nap or whatever to keep away from the family. And if he is out with the family, he is bossing everyone around, bullying his little sister, etc. It's a real treat, let me tell ya.

Besides the "grounding thing" being difficult (because there isn't much to ground from)...since out ipod ordeal last Saturday he has NOT spoken a word to anyone since then. He is unbelievably stubborn. I even told him on Wed. that if he wanted his cell phone back, all he had to do is say "please". No response. He won't crack. I've tried talking to him in his room ...he tells me "get out!!" He doesn't even look me in the face. My sister says he needs an "exorcism". I'm not entirely sure she is wrong.

HELP ME!! PLEASE

ANSWER:

You can always find leverage (i.e., some privilege or material item to withhold as a consequence).

I currently have a parent in my parent group whose situation is similar to yours. She said, "My son doesn't go anywhere or do anything -- I've got nothing to take away and there's no sense in grounding him because he's a home-body."

I asked what he does with his time. She said he just goes to his room and naps. Ahhhhh! Then she really does have something she can use as a bargaining tool. Coming home and napping is a privilege -- not a right. She doesn't run a flop-house.

Anyway, now she sees to it that her son does not have access to his room whenever he needs a consequence -- that's right -- she took away his room. Get it?

My recommendation would be to ground him FROM his room -- not TO his room -- for one 24-hour day (with the exception being he can sleep in there at night). The 24-hour discipline does not start until he calms down (if he is having a temper tantrum). If he mistreats anyone during that 24-hour period, merely re-start the 24 hours.

I know this will be difficult, but you can do it. I've got faith in you.

QUESTION:

My daughter has arranged one week's work experience at a local police station. She is actually considering becoming a police constable or studying criminology or social work. But right now she can be def